Going, Going, Gone.

Checked out an old lover’s profile for no apparent reason.
Or some reason I couldn’t pin or admit.
How are you to know?

He’s cradling this beautiful tiny creature along a sandy shore.
He seems happy. He looks happy.
Far from the distant, constantly pensive face of the beanie/hemp-necklace wearing dude I used to spend late conversations with.

I am glad he is happy.

I have for the life of me always wished him happiness.
A thing that for years evaded me.
Oh please, he’s not the one to blame.
Vancouver ended up warm and sunny, Manila remained bleak and rainy.

For years, seeing image of him brings shivers to my spine.
Makes my fingers cold and my mouth dry.
It has been a long while and I know I have moved on already.
What was then overflowing has become so empty.
Not sad empty,just nothing-left-anymore empty.

This isn’t a story of victory. My chapters remain crazy.
This is an actual stage of flipping pages. Oh well, pages I should have flipped long, long time ago but couldn’t. Until one day I realized I could.
And I did.

All those movies telling us of that grand gesture of closure could be true but sometimes it can happen this way.
Fading.
Ever so slowly.
But it does end.
At one point it will end.

The cycle may return.
Perhaps for another person?
And if you’re thinking the pain will never end, well here’s your message of hope. Honey, at one point it will end.
It may take a long while or a short bend, who am I to tell?
But I tell you, that pain will find its way to the very end.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to love again.

xx

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Triathlon

I have learned how to swim in doubts

Pedal my way to the cycle of uncertainties

And run after things that dont deserve me.

While they hurt, it helped me gain energy to regain myself,
In order to win this marathon of rejection I didn’t really have to run, climb or sprint.
I can simply walk away by using my own feet.

xx

Strange Encounters

You know the feeling when you’re trying to avoid a certain memory?
How your brain Fs everything up and gives you more of it?
But really it’s not the outside world that creates this madness?
It’s really just inside your head.

The inexplicable coincidences
The random surge of the same car unit in the entire city
Suddenly, all parents gave their kids the same name in the 90s
Sometimes it puts a silly grin, other times, it makes you want to scream

The mere coincidence that wherever you go
Wherever you enter, you’ll hear the name
As if the Universe is mocking you
And the more you try to ignore, the more it persists

You cry for help, you tap out
But it’s there
Pushing you to remember
Teasing you more about your once upon a never

As if telling you to get used to it
Or maybe it’s helping you realize that a person, a place, or an event are all over
It’s all over – can be repeated
Can be replaced

Until we don’t realize how OK it is to reach game over, we will continue to have these strange encounters.

xx

Musings

I’m super exhausted from work today but it is scary cos it’s my favorite kind of high.

The fulfillment I get…like an andrenaline rush.
I wonder if people feel the same way?
I wonder what version others have?

I’m struggling to find other facets in life that can give me such vibe. I know there’s more to life than this.
There are tiny versions like helping others or coffee picking or wandering but it is not as “makes-me-oblivious” kind.

I’m struggling to find ways to heal the hurt.
I’m struggling to find means to forget.

xx

Good morning, Grief

The days filled with bruises outlived the bliss
Each waking day turns into nostalgia
Reliving the unfinished “IT” 
Regrouping all my false belief

Opening and closing each day become the hardest
They remind me so much of my defeat
Even as I recreate my days and crack in laughter
Thoughts suddenly seep and quickly, I just go back in bleak

I smile and smile right in front of the people who love me
The people who wishes to make me happy, but the sadness haunts me
I see you in every car, in every city
Your ghost won’t just leave

My mind has decided it is not worth it,
I know I should have long taken a flight
It’s clear you arent my knight
My mind’s made up but my heart…
My heart is still crawling from the dark alley now branded with fright.

xx

Of Houses and Homes

It was a mistake to pour your soul to someone you barely know
It was a mistake to assign your happiness in someone else’s hand
To expect other people to remove your worries and fears

It is a mistake to turn to,cling during moments of confusion and grief
To forget that you yourself is your number one hero
So wrong to let emotions run through a fragile vessel
So wrong to allow yourself to be open after a short chase

But is it really wrong to trust?
Is it wrong to think that people are kind and amazing and giving?
Well it is never wrong to feel
It is never wrong to ache, to experience whirlwind of emotions

It isn’t wrong to purely see the goodness of other people’s heart
To hope.
A bagfull of wishful thinking.
A night sky for dreaming.

There are no wrong emotions
Just wrong people
Not that we are right, they are just not the one

People arent custom built for us
Their capacity do not include holding our truths
Our type of energy, our strength or even our frailty

Hence, it is wrong to build home on a shaky ground
You may reach an almost but it will break the moment wind blows in a different direction.
It is wrong to get stuck in this kind of mud when you can pick your pieces and remember you already have your most solid ground

Yourself minus all the doubts.

xx

Logic x Heart

This year I will remain hopeful.
I will take where my heart leads me.
I will take it no matter how irrational.
I will take it no matter how risky.

I will follow my heart.
It’s something I never fully tried.
I always turn around around and hide.
If all else still fails and I end up crying, at least I knew I tried.

xx