Dear 2028

Dear 2028,

I was up today at 04:04 AM cos of my alarm. Totally forgot it was set at that time.
If it were, it must have been like that for a long time now, my head’s just too great at ignoring things to notice.
But this morning, I did.
Like in most of my mornings, I would start my day by well… checking my phone.
Facebook scrolling until my brain is awake enough to function.

There was a post about 2008, ten years ago from today.
It was all about not knowing what the future holds which is to me, quite true.
I was 18YO then and I didn’t know anything about today – until today.
If the past 10 months taught me one thing, it is the face that I can always plan, I can always predict my future, but there are always other things beyond my control that can totally alter everything.

Who would have thought I will suddenly be pulled out from the 8th floor of my cubicle-ville? Who knew I will be sitting on the 18th floor with a view that I always wished for? And while I truly love it, my head will always ask for more aka “I hope I can see the sunset from here, too.”

Or to backtrack a bit more, who would have thought I will totally abandon the career that ‘brought me up’ in the past eight years?
Who would have thought that now, I will be a trying hard plant lady who is also dying to have her own puppy?

And as I am still too lazy to get up, at about 4:14 AM, instead of coffee, questions just keep pouring in.

Maybe scared, maybe a little sad, or just totally sleepy.
It made me think what 10 years from now will be.

Do I still wake up on my own?
Will I ever get a puppy?
Will I be that auntie in the movie who spends her life tending to plants?
Is it really IT for me?
My partially hopeful self, of course, wishes that things will take a sudden turn again. For the better.
The other half prepares for the worst.
Who knows?

At 4:38 AM, I just grabbed a black bag and collected my garbage threw them all away. Washed my hands and went back to sleep knowing I will write this up later today.

2028 to me sounds near yet still far away.
Ten years from now, I may end up forgetting this day.
Ten years from now, I may end up writing back.
If ever I will, I hope my 2028-self has good news to share.

xx

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Under Attack

A colleague asked, “Who made you stop loving?”
Person or two. Or three… or some more.

Few minutes ago, out of sheer assholery of Facebook, I was reminded.
But I don’t want to look back anymore.
Not angry nor sad, just no intention of continuously take steps backwards.
And even if my heart… my heart would want to cling to past.
No.

There’s no use looking back.

xx

Strange Encounters

You know the feeling when you’re trying to avoid a certain memory?
How your brain Fs everything up and gives you more of it?
But really it’s not the outside world that creates this madness?
It’s really just inside your head.

The inexplicable coincidences
The random surge of the same car unit in the entire city
Suddenly, all parents gave their kids the same name in the 90s
Sometimes it puts a silly grin, other times, it makes you want to scream

The mere coincidence that wherever you go
Wherever you enter, you’ll hear the name
As if the Universe is mocking you
And the more you try to ignore, the more it persists

You cry for help, you tap out
But it’s there
Pushing you to remember
Teasing you more about your once upon a never

As if telling you to get used to it
Or maybe it’s helping you realize that a person, a place, or an event are all over
It’s all over – can be repeated
Can be replaced

Until we don’t realize how OK it is to reach game over, we will continue to have these strange encounters.

xx

Musings

I’m super exhausted from work today but it is scary cos it’s my favorite kind of high.

The fulfillment I get…like an andrenaline rush.
I wonder if people feel the same way?
I wonder what version others have?

I’m struggling to find other facets in life that can give me such vibe. I know there’s more to life than this.
There are tiny versions like helping others or coffee picking or wandering but it is not as “makes-me-oblivious” kind.

I’m struggling to find ways to heal the hurt.
I’m struggling to find means to forget.

xx

Healing

It is in our most emotional, vulnerable state that we pen our best or worst love letters.
But through this we find healing.
When our mind’s in constant battle with our heart and the forces beyond our control, writing becomes the safest option.

It is when we forget about those who might read our sighs and be judged are overpowered by our need to release all the pain.
Likes sketches, like half-finished drafts
We write and write until the world becomes different.

We will write and write in pain
Until the words turn into better emotions
We drop each bitterness bomb
Until we’re visited again by life-changing inspirations.

xx

Strings

I can give you all the Kutcher quotes but it won’t change a thing.

We will constantly get in touch.
Forever looking after each other.
But still won’t end up together.

xx