It was a short pit stop from a long trip
Worn out bus with partially opened, some even incomplete window
It was the usual noise of a typical ordinary bus trip
But we had our phones playing some old tunes
We sang to Foo Fighters at the back
While I wore my sepia-tainted sunglasses
Belting tunes with my then best friend
Who I used to sit with
Filter was then a new thing
I didn’t know how to properly frame it
But the skies that day was in some hopeful shade of blue
I just transferred from the 8th
Everything was new including my officemate
but then he said goodbye, said couldn’t come home late
So I bid my farewell
After all, he’s just a stranger
The night skies completely showed
I had to call him back
He’s got the key to keep the doors closed
It was scorching hot
But the water was cold
It was so clear too
The farthest I have reached
He told me to go on
I asked what if I couldn’t breathe?
He held me until I learned to float
And float I did
I was there, suspended for a few minutes
Forgot the world and the pain that comes with it
But then I flipped, I think I lost my sunglasses
We laughed when I realized I was wearing it
Checked out an old lover’s profile for no apparent reason.
Or some reason I couldn’t pin or admit.
How are you to know?
He’s cradling this beautiful tiny creature along a sandy shore.
He seems happy. He looks happy.
Far from the distant, constantly pensive face of the beanie/hemp-necklace wearing dude I used to spend late conversations with.
I am glad he is happy.
I have for the life of me always wished him happiness.
A thing that for years evaded me.
Oh please, he’s not the one to blame.
Vancouver ended up warm and sunny, Manila remained bleak and rainy.
For years, seeing image of him brings shivers to my spine.
Makes my fingers cold and my mouth dry.
It has been a long while and I know I have moved on already.
What was then overflowing has become so empty.
Not sad empty,just nothing-left-anymore empty.
This isn’t a story of victory. My chapters remain crazy.
This is an actual stage of flipping pages. Oh well, pages I should have flipped long, long time ago but couldn’t. Until one day I realized I could.
And I did.
All those movies telling us of that grand gesture of closure could be true but sometimes it can happen this way.
Ever so slowly.
But it does end.
At one point it will end.
The cycle may return.
Perhaps for another person?
And if you’re thinking the pain will never end, well here’s your message of hope. Honey, at one point it will end.
It may take a long while or a short bend, who am I to tell?
But I tell you, that pain will find its way to the very end.
And if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to love again.
I have learned how to swim in doubts
Pedal my way to the cycle of uncertainties
And run after things that dont deserve me.
While they hurt, it helped me gain energy to regain myself,
In order to win this marathon of rejection I didn’t really have to run, climb or sprint.
I can simply walk away by using my own feet.
The teared down walls are acknowledged
But, my friends, I leave no room for yesterdays.
Exerting effort embracing the now.
Happily moving forward to someday.
I’m super exhausted from work today but it is scary cos it’s my favorite kind of high.
The fulfillment I get…like an andrenaline rush.
I wonder if people feel the same way?
I wonder what version others have?
I’m struggling to find other facets in life that can give me such vibe. I know there’s more to life than this.
There are tiny versions like helping others or coffee picking or wandering but it is not as “makes-me-oblivious” kind.
I’m struggling to find ways to heal the hurt.
I’m struggling to find means to forget.
No Harry & Sally while poppin and chugging wine or martini.
I’ll happily replace it with a bunch of Kate Hudson movies and loads of Love Actually’s.
I’m happily moving on.
2016 will be the last that I’d ever consider a you for me.
That’s the thing when you let some light in
You’d crave for more
You’ll realize how your life WAS such a bore
But sometimes we just get a glimpse
Luck doesn’t always come in heaps.
I want to wake up happy.
I want it to happen more often.
If possible, each day.
If not, every time I remember to pray.
The kind of happiness that erases doubts.
The kind of joy that sees goodness more than anything else.
My heart no longer wishes to meet people and see the worst.
Don’t want to greet each waking hour thinking of stress.
This time I want to hope for better …
No more unwanted outbursts.
Not really hoping for immediate laugh out louds
or for frequent highs
Just some constant fun
Maybe, just maybe a little smile, a little less sigh.
I would love to stop being cynical.
Leave the negative world behind; the judging, the unforgiving kind.
I’d like to share more happy stories to everyone.
Not another story of despair.
I wish to share gladness that for some time I’ve become unaware.
To spread happiness around.
To shed some light.
To share a world that is bright.
A total shift in attitude.
2015 is going to be a year of gratitude.