You know the feeling when you’re trying to avoid a certain memory?
How your brain Fs everything up and gives you more of it?
But really it’s not the outside world that creates this madness?
It’s really just inside your head.
The inexplicable coincidences
The random surge of the same car unit in the entire city
Suddenly, all parents gave their kids the same name in the 90s
Sometimes it puts a silly grin, other times, it makes you want to scream
The mere coincidence that wherever you go
Wherever you enter, you’ll hear the name
As if the Universe is mocking you
And the more you try to ignore, the more it persists
You cry for help, you tap out
But it’s there
Pushing you to remember
Teasing you more about your once upon a never
As if telling you to get used to it
Or maybe it’s helping you realize that a person, a place, or an event are all over
It’s all over – can be repeated
Can be replaced
Until we don’t realize how OK it is to reach game over, we will continue to have these strange encounters.
I’m super exhausted from work today but it is scary cos it’s my favorite kind of high.
The fulfillment I get…like an andrenaline rush.
I wonder if people feel the same way?
I wonder what version others have?
I’m struggling to find other facets in life that can give me such vibe. I know there’s more to life than this.
There are tiny versions like helping others or coffee picking or wandering but it is not as “makes-me-oblivious” kind.
I’m struggling to find ways to heal the hurt.
I’m struggling to find means to forget.
This could be a little less eloquent as I am writing in a strange fashion such as spontaneity.
I am not one.
It is so soothing for me whenever I have all things clearly defined.
And today, and in the days to come, I may have to jump to uncertainties.
All brilliant articles are saying things will be fine.
Confusion and being lost are good for the soul.
Hundreds and hundreds of assuring words.
Still, I remain terrified.
And as the hasty sunset kiss the dusk.
I quietly plead for light.
With only hope is the star from afar
I jump and dive and take the flight.
Cos in between the fear and fright
I hear my heart whisper,
There’s no other way to see the dawn but to endure the passing of the night.
That’s what happens when a woman is complete on her own.
No amount of attention nor praise can make her crave for you.
Shower her with time and effort, you’ll just make her skin crawl.
You can’t do anything to have her unless she wants you.
Frustrating isn’t it?
To not be able to make a prey out of a woman.
To not make her weak in the knees.
How does it feel to be beaten in your own game by the woman who won’t easily fall?
I can only reach out, I tell myself.
A bit of a compromise.
I can try but I can never move on a different direction.
One that isn’t part of my vision.
They say it’s a dead end.
‘lo change and bend.
I picture the world sending a different version of me.
And my truth says, “I can’t.”
There’s that version that everyone likes, and my version of truth.
To please everyone isn’t my pursuit.
Change and bend?
I just really can’t.
Call me romantic, idyllic
A lover of non-existent fairytales
But that won’t change the messages I’ll send to the world.
If along the way I find people who are warmth by the same skin
Who share the same wire
Ill be glad
Ill be happy to let them in.
My lights are on, I welcome those who’d be knocking my walls.
If they find difficulties in comprehending,
let it naturally take its toll.
In my fragile bubble, it will always be, all or nothing at all.
I have bruises that never seem to heal
Cracks on my heel
Nose that only gets pointed in some angles
With some filter, there’s that perfect beauty I steal
Increase the brightness
Remove the shadows
A little more contrast
Apply those wonder I call ugly-healing apps
Absence of gap along those thick thighs
Ugh, let’s talk about my super wide hips
So they scream right into my ear
Rise, Hudson, Valencia, LoFi
But wait, what is really there to fear?
These are flaws everyone can’t (And shouldn’t deny)
They can mock
They can critizise
But I will wear them and not apologise.
Because when I see you, I want to be able to look into your eyes
I want a consistent view of what you see in the movies
What you see at plain sight
I want the reel and real to collide.
Whatever value you wish to put in my mind I’ll let you be.
I will fix the ones I wish to not see but who I am should not be downgraded by the naturals flaws I carry.
I will try to improve, progress and reinvent myself until I reach my kind of beauty but for now, filters and editing will continue to be my mortal enemies.