Micro Moments

It was a short pit stop from a long trip
Worn out bus with partially opened, some even incomplete window
It was the usual noise of a typical ordinary bus trip
But we had our phones playing some old tunes
We sang to Foo Fighters at the back
While I wore my sepia-tainted sunglasses
Belting tunes with my then best friend
Who I used to sit with

___________________________

Filter was then a new thing
I didn’t know how to properly frame it
But the skies that day was in some hopeful shade of blue
I just transferred from the 8th
Everything was new including my officemate
but then he said goodbye, said couldn’t come home late
So I bid my farewell
After all, he’s just a stranger
The night skies completely showed
I had to call him back
He’s got the key to keep the doors closed

__________________________

It was scorching hot
Brightest daylight
But the water was cold
It was so clear too
The farthest I have reached
He told me to go on
I asked what if I couldn’t breathe?
He held me until I learned to float
And float I did
I was there, suspended for a few minutes
Forgot the world and the pain that comes with it
But then I flipped, I think I lost my sunglasses
We laughed when I realized I was wearing it

Love is Blind

I didn’t know the very essence of this saying until I went through it
Back then I thought they were talking about facade,
an outer layer deemed less worthy
The shallowness of it all

Not until I walked this road did I learn about its depth
The kind that sucks the joy right off your chest
So deep it leaves you empty
So painful it wreaks havoc in your head

The glaring light of truth
Couldn’t stop a lover’s virtue
You love and love despite
You try and try as much

Closing your eyes to the deceptions and lies
Making all the wrong seem right
You’ll meet its depth when everything hurts yet you still think it’s worth the fight.

xx

2018/2019

P1

This room has been quiet for too long
Have attempted to ink scenarios but too scared to misinterpret
Writing sends this weird finality
And this is something I don’t want to end

I have visited this room and wrote musings
But too shy to admit
Too scared I might break the code
Which have been broken over and over before

But a year has gone and passed and I remain this fragile lunatic
Wanting and hoping to heal the same man
Craving for things I shouldn’t
To this day, I’m hellbent

////

P2
Crawling like snails
Inching our way in the slowest possible pace
Both afraid of what might happen next
We mark each step with careful gaze

And here we are closing nights with warm embrace
Spending late nights hearing about each other’s craze
I, surrendering to fate
There’s a good love waiting for those who patiently wait

xx

Going, Going, Gone.

Checked out an old lover’s profile for no apparent reason.
Or some reason I couldn’t pin or admit.
How are you to know?

He’s cradling this beautiful tiny creature along a sandy shore.
He seems happy. He looks happy.
Far from the distant, constantly pensive face of the beanie/hemp-necklace wearing dude I used to spend late conversations with.

I am glad he is happy.

I have for the life of me always wished him happiness.
A thing that for years evaded me.
Oh please, he’s not the one to blame.
Vancouver ended up warm and sunny, Manila remained bleak and rainy.

For years, seeing image of him brings shivers to my spine.
Makes my fingers cold and my mouth dry.
It has been a long while and I know I have moved on already.
What was then overflowing has become so empty.
Not sad empty,just nothing-left-anymore empty.

This isn’t a story of victory. My chapters remain crazy.
This is an actual stage of flipping pages. Oh well, pages I should have flipped long, long time ago but couldn’t. Until one day I realized I could.
And I did.

All those movies telling us of that grand gesture of closure could be true but sometimes it can happen this way.
Fading.
Ever so slowly.
But it does end.
At one point it will end.

The cycle may return.
Perhaps for another person?
And if you’re thinking the pain will never end, well here’s your message of hope. Honey, at one point it will end.
It may take a long while or a short bend, who am I to tell?
But I tell you, that pain will find its way to the very end.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to love again.

xx

Dear 2028

Dear 2028,

I was up today at 04:04 AM cos of my alarm. Totally forgot it was set at that time.
If it were, it must have been like that for a long time now, my head’s just too great at ignoring things to notice.
But this morning, I did.
Like in most of my mornings, I would start my day by well… checking my phone.
Facebook scrolling until my brain is awake enough to function.

There was a post about 2008, ten years ago from today.
It was all about not knowing what the future holds which is to me, quite true.
I was 18YO then and I didn’t know anything about today – until today.
If the past 10 months taught me one thing, it is the face that I can always plan, I can always predict my future, but there are always other things beyond my control that can totally alter everything.

Who would have thought I will suddenly be pulled out from the 8th floor of my cubicle-ville? Who knew I will be sitting on the 18th floor with a view that I always wished for? And while I truly love it, my head will always ask for more aka “I hope I can see the sunset from here, too.”

Or to backtrack a bit more, who would have thought I will totally abandon the career that ‘brought me up’ in the past eight years?
Who would have thought that now, I will be a trying hard plant lady who is also dying to have her own puppy?

And as I am still too lazy to get up, at about 4:14 AM, instead of coffee, questions just keep pouring in.

Maybe scared, maybe a little sad, or just totally sleepy.
It made me think what 10 years from now will be.

Do I still wake up on my own?
Will I ever get a puppy?
Will I be that auntie in the movie who spends her life tending to plants?
Is it really IT for me?
My partially hopeful self, of course, wishes that things will take a sudden turn again. For the better.
The other half prepares for the worst.
Who knows?

At 4:38 AM, I just grabbed a black bag and collected my garbage threw them all away. Washed my hands and went back to sleep knowing I will write this up later today.

2028 to me sounds near yet still far away.
Ten years from now, I may end up forgetting this day.
Ten years from now, I may end up writing back.
If ever I will, I hope my 2028-self has good news to share.

xx

Triathlon

I have learned how to swim in doubts

Pedal my way to the cycle of uncertainties

And run after things that dont deserve me.

While they hurt, it helped me gain energy to regain myself,
In order to win this marathon of rejection I didn’t really have to run, climb or sprint.
I can simply walk away by using my own feet.

xx