Four Leaf Clover

It could have been a much wiser decision to stay away from danger.
To finally make up my mind and do what’s right.
To simply think.

But thinking has been my tool for years.
It made things safe.
But safe doesn’t illicit joy.
Safe is not warmth.
Safe doesn’t hug you in the middle of the night.

Bravery

It’s October 1st and I made the damnedest decision ever but then again, in mistakes we find wisdom.

xx

Loose End

It always feels easier to let go when you’ve given all that you have.
That final moment when you just throw in the towel and feel at ease knowing you’ve done all you can.
Squeezed everything that you have, you’ll reach a point when it doesn’t matter what you get in the end.
There’s nothing more to lose.
You either win or you learn.

2018/2019

P1

This room has been quiet for too long
Have attempted to ink scenarios but too scared to misinterpret
Writing sends this weird finality
And this is something I don’t want to end

I have visited this room and wrote musings
But too shy to admit
Too scared I might break the code
Which have been broken over and over before

But a year has gone and passed and I remain this fragile lunatic
Wanting and hoping to heal the same man
Craving for things I shouldn’t
To this day, I’m hellbent

////

P2
Crawling like snails
Inching our way in the slowest possible pace
Both afraid of what might happen next
We mark each step with careful gaze

And here we are closing nights with warm embrace
Spending late nights hearing about each other’s craze
I, surrendering to fate
There’s a good love waiting for those who patiently wait

xx

Going, Going, Gone.

Checked out an old lover’s profile for no apparent reason.
Or some reason I couldn’t pin or admit.
How are you to know?

He’s cradling this beautiful tiny creature along a sandy shore.
He seems happy. He looks happy.
Far from the distant, constantly pensive face of the beanie/hemp-necklace wearing dude I used to spend late conversations with.

I am glad he is happy.

I have for the life of me always wished him happiness.
A thing that for years evaded me.
Oh please, he’s not the one to blame.
Vancouver ended up warm and sunny, Manila remained bleak and rainy.

For years, seeing image of him brings shivers to my spine.
Makes my fingers cold and my mouth dry.
It has been a long while and I know I have moved on already.
What was then overflowing has become so empty.
Not sad empty,just nothing-left-anymore empty.

This isn’t a story of victory. My chapters remain crazy.
This is an actual stage of flipping pages. Oh well, pages I should have flipped long, long time ago but couldn’t. Until one day I realized I could.
And I did.

All those movies telling us of that grand gesture of closure could be true but sometimes it can happen this way.
Fading.
Ever so slowly.
But it does end.
At one point it will end.

The cycle may return.
Perhaps for another person?
And if you’re thinking the pain will never end, well here’s your message of hope. Honey, at one point it will end.
It may take a long while or a short bend, who am I to tell?
But I tell you, that pain will find its way to the very end.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to love again.

xx