And just a day before my special day, I have found the answers.
Pretty much the way it was several years ago.
Only now… it is easier to stay quiet and accept.
Nonetheless, it hurts.
But it’s always better to wake up with answers.
It’s always better to sleep with an ending.
It’s always better to dream of a new beginning
than lose yourself in the abyss of endless thinking.
Will there be a point when a person will get so used to rejection?
Is there a particular number of NO’s or Sorry’s to count before you say
“Hey, it’s ok!” and mean it?
Totally mean it?
Not the OK where you cry inside but the OK like it’s totally-fine-I-wont-event-have-to-get-over-it fine.
Like a goal that once fulfilled you’ll be so immune to declines, a yes or a no would just feel the same.
Because to be honest, it hurts.
No matter how often.
Whoever utters the words.
It hurts even when expected.
It hurts even when you come prepared.
If I have three wishes, most likely they won’t be for me.
But if I will have to forge one and make sure it will be mine, then I will have to choose you celebrate this one with me.
I don’t know, even I am not sure why I would want to …but I want to.
My heart wants to.
Whether I have the wrong or right reasons I just want to spend it with you.
Maybe then I would know the answers.
Maybe then I would know your answers.
But I do.
Maybe this time you will learn to keep your words.
Maybe not really.
Maybe I won’t be the second or third…
Maybe you always come back to me cos you know I am part of your world.
It may not be clear how or why I am part of it.
But let me…
Allow me to get that.
For once may I close things the way it should be – with answers.