Uninvited

I see my friends going in and out of love.
While I get to be thrown out when I reach through the gates.

xx

Advertisements

Going, Going, Gone.

Checked out an old lover’s profile for no apparent reason.
Or some reason I couldn’t pin or admit.
How are you to know?

He’s cradling this beautiful tiny creature along a sandy shore.
He seems happy. He looks happy.
Far from the distant, constantly pensive face of the beanie/hemp-necklace wearing dude I used to spend late conversations with.

I am glad he is happy.

I have for the life of me always wished him happiness.
A thing that for years evaded me.
Oh please, he’s not the one to blame.
Vancouver ended up warm and sunny, Manila remained bleak and rainy.

For years, seeing image of him brings shivers to my spine.
Makes my fingers cold and my mouth dry.
It has been a long while and I know I have moved on already.
What was then overflowing has become so empty.
Not sad empty,just nothing-left-anymore empty.

This isn’t a story of victory. My chapters remain crazy.
This is an actual stage of flipping pages. Oh well, pages I should have flipped long, long time ago but couldn’t. Until one day I realized I could.
And I did.

All those movies telling us of that grand gesture of closure could be true but sometimes it can happen this way.
Fading.
Ever so slowly.
But it does end.
At one point it will end.

The cycle may return.
Perhaps for another person?
And if you’re thinking the pain will never end, well here’s your message of hope. Honey, at one point it will end.
It may take a long while or a short bend, who am I to tell?
But I tell you, that pain will find its way to the very end.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to love again.

xx

Dear 2028

Dear 2028,

I was up today at 04:04 AM cos of my alarm. Totally forgot it was set at that time.
If it were, it must have been like that for a long time now, my head’s just too great at ignoring things to notice.
But this morning, I did.
Like in most of my mornings, I would start my day by well… checking my phone.
Facebook scrolling until my brain is awake enough to function.

There was a post about 2008, ten years ago from today.
It was all about not knowing what the future holds which is to me, quite true.
I was 18YO then and I didn’t know anything about today – until today.
If the past 10 months taught me one thing, it is the face that I can always plan, I can always predict my future, but there are always other things beyond my control that can totally alter everything.

Who would have thought I will suddenly be pulled out from the 8th floor of my cubicle-ville? Who knew I will be sitting on the 18th floor with a view that I always wished for? And while I truly love it, my head will always ask for more aka “I hope I can see the sunset from here, too.”

Or to backtrack a bit more, who would have thought I will totally abandon the career that ‘brought me up’ in the past eight years?
Who would have thought that now, I will be a trying hard plant lady who is also dying to have her own puppy?

And as I am still too lazy to get up, at about 4:14 AM, instead of coffee, questions just keep pouring in.

Maybe scared, maybe a little sad, or just totally sleepy.
It made me think what 10 years from now will be.

Do I still wake up on my own?
Will I ever get a puppy?
Will I be that auntie in the movie who spends her life tending to plants?
Is it really IT for me?
My partially hopeful self, of course, wishes that things will take a sudden turn again. For the better.
The other half prepares for the worst.
Who knows?

At 4:38 AM, I just grabbed a black bag and collected my garbage threw them all away. Washed my hands and went back to sleep knowing I will write this up later today.

2028 to me sounds near yet still far away.
Ten years from now, I may end up forgetting this day.
Ten years from now, I may end up writing back.
If ever I will, I hope my 2028-self has good news to share.

xx

Triathlon

I have learned how to swim in doubts

Pedal my way to the cycle of uncertainties

And run after things that dont deserve me.

While they hurt, it helped me gain energy to regain myself,
In order to win this marathon of rejection I didn’t really have to run, climb or sprint.
I can simply walk away by using my own feet.

xx

Under Attack

A colleague asked, “Who made you stop loving?”
Person or two. Or three… or some more.

Few minutes ago, out of sheer assholery of Facebook, I was reminded.
But I don’t want to look back anymore.
Not angry nor sad, just no intention of continuously take steps backwards.
And even if my heart… my heart would want to cling to past.
No.

There’s no use looking back.

xx

F5 History

How come people…how come I have this great longing for past grief?
Sometimes the pain don’t weigh as much but there’s a space for it.
There’s a gap that you cannot fill with joy and abundance.
There’s a space left unfilled you let an old scar stay.

Today, I catch up with an old, barely relevant scar.
Only because the new tissue hasn’t fully developed.
I know the new hello will cause nothing but prolong the replacement.
But this is a human process.
And as much as I hate it, I acknowledge its existence.

And hope somewhere along this process of taking one step forward, two steps back…
I will somehow …eventually reach my full stop and trace the outline of my healing point.

xx